The effects of unforgiveness are always bad. I know we tell ourselves this time will be different and this grudge is worth the effort. I can manage this little foothold. Besides, I was totally right and the other person was totally wrong and everyone agrees with me. But is unforgiveness really the hill we want to die on?
Unforgiveness negatively impacts your mental and physical health both today and in the years to come. It can cause a breakdown in your personal relationships and put a wall between you and God. Not forgiving others, ultimately, hurts you more deeply than it hurts the person who wronged you.
Does Unforgiveness Hurt Your Mental Health?
We all know what it’s like to have too many tabs open on our laptop.
And one of them starts playing music. But which one is it?
You try to ignore it, maybe it’s just a short video that will stop on its own.
But it didn’t and now it’s playing the same 10 second audio clip on a loop. You start to memorize the words as you hunt it down. You recognize the actor’s voices but can’t remember what movie they were in and make a mental note to check out their IMDB page. Now that’s annoying you too.
Now there are two mental fires to put out. You go on about your daily life but in the back of your mind you have to remember who you’re still mad at.
You don’t want to go to their usual coffee place because you don’t want to run into them. It sneaks up on you. You end up using your mental bandwidth reminding yourself to keep being mad at them.
In turn you don’t have the bandwidth free to do as many of the things that you love, that keep up the dopamine.
It becomes harder by the day focus on things that bring you joy, and help maintain mental health, when you’re constantly being dragged down by a grudge.
Does Unforgiveness Hurt Your Current Physical Health?
No one is joining the “Harboring Bitterness Fitness Spa” and it’s for a good reason. Unforgiveness will never give you gains.
Holding on to hate for other people takes a lot of energy and causes a lot of physical stress and tension.
Contrary to popular belief it doesn’t make you tough to hold a grudge, instead it wears you down. When you spend all day with your shoulders hiked up to your ears like Scrooge (Scrooge McDuck if you’re a 90s kid) it exhausts your muscles. It leaves you with no energy for healthier habits like working out or playing with your kids.
At the end of the day it all adds up to poor sleep, which means less physical recovery from the day and then we start the next day with a health deficit.
Can you say caffeine addiction? And what happens to our bodies when we repeat this cycle for a few years? Let’s take a closer look.
Does Unforgiveness Hurt Your Future Physical Health?
Long term, chronic stress (like constantly reminding yourself how wronged you’ve been and how right you were) exposes your body to more stress hormones, like cortisol, than it really needs.
Stress hormones can be life saving if we have a bear chasing us but, we don’t need to live as if the bear is chasing us for 10 or 20 years without a single break.
This exposure to stress hormones increases the risk of well known ailments like heart disease, stroke and high blood pressure, among other things. But it also increases our risk for lesser known things like autoimmune diseases, adrenal fatigue, infertility and some otherwise unexplainable health issues like joint and muscle pain.
Practicing consistent unforgiveness in the present is like taking vitamins every morning, something we should do habitually. And it really adds up to great benefits, both now and later.
Does Unforgiveness Hurt Your Relationships With Others?
Grudges and unforgiveness are like pity parties, they attract the most negative friends.
As soon as you can’t forgive Sally you start getting people on your side to be offended with you. After all they had a disagreement with Sally last month too.
You all feel validated in airing these grievances together like some twisted version of group therapy.
But, before you know it you’ve got yourself an I Hate Sally Fan Club.
And who’s in the club with you? Usually people who will drop you like a hot biscuit the first time you even mildly offend them. And you’re both human, so you will eventually.
Grudges and footholds against others can isolate us.
Living in a tumultuous environment, and losing friends so rapidly like this, can lead to depression, over eating, poor sleep habits and other negative health problems. We were created for community and we when we find the right one, we thrive, every one of us, even Sally.
Does Unforgiveness Hurt Your Relationship With God?
It takes one to know one here. Or as I recently heard someone say… If you spot it, you got it.
Well, I can spot the negative effects of unforgiveness on your relationship with God because I have tried with all my might to refuse forgiveness and make it work anyhow. Oh boy did I “got it.”
I refused forgiveness and became bitter because I was right. I had been wronged. I had witnesses, and they weren’t all narcissists either. The offender had hurt me. I was justified in defending myself.
I still believe in defending yourself and not becoming a figurative (or literal) punching bag for others. But, I took things too far.
I started the I Hate Sally Fan Club, made buttons and passed out flyers.
I felt strong with anger until the anger wore off and I realized how weak I actually was. I landed in therapy (I love therapy, everyone should try it) with depression that was only partially because I’d just had a baby.
At the root of things I was holding a grudge that only ate away at me. The person who offended me? They were living their lives as if nothing ever happened. They had moved on but I couldn’t or wouldn’t… yet.
I tried praying my way out of it while still selfishly holding on to my opinions. I ignored clear, biblical instruction about forgiving others and wondered why God felt far away. Let’s dive into to this a little deeper.
What Does the Bible Say About Unforgiveness?
Matthew 11:25 ESV
“And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”
One way to visualize this is that every time you choose to refuse forgiveness you are laying a brick in a wall between you and God.
This idea hit me like a ton of bricks! I had built up a whole brick house that I started to feel pride because of it.
Now you can build the wall as high as you wish but, you can also remove every single brick and reopen that communication.
It’s a lifelong process of cleaning up the bricks. I believe one of the reasons we are commanded to forgive is because it’s a step towards healing all areas of our lives. Closeness with God brings peace.
No one is exempt and there is no limit.
Ephesians 4:32 ESV
“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Matthew 18:21-22 ESV
“Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times? Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.”
Final Thoughts
I’ll risk getting the song stuck in my head and say it. Let it go. Lay it down. Release your grasp. Take your hands off of it. Walk away and don’t come back. Do it for your overall health.
Remember that forgiveness is not the same as forgetting. Forgiveness releases you from the stress of always hanging on to the past. In some situations forgiveness does not equal reconciliation. Don’t continue to repeat unhealthy patterns.
And if your name is Sally, I apologize. I’m sure you’re lovely. I hope you can forgive me.