Self-forgiveness is a great activity that you can do on your own or with a professional. Each person is unique and can benefit from different views on self-forgiveness. I will share my favorite method for forgiving myself and why it’s an important activity.
I can show you 3 easy steps to self-forgiveness. Forgiveness is a powerful tool to have in your mental health improvement toolbox. Forgiveness allows you to move beyond an event that may have negatively impacted you and kept you feeling stuck. By admitting your past mistakes, understanding where you were coming from at the time and having self-compassion you can cultivate forgiveness for yourself so you can grow.
There are many different ways to facilitate forgiveness.
You may want to start a journal or write a letter to yourself or have an art journal for drawing or painting. You could even have an accountability partner.
Your process can be as simple or as complicated as you would like. My favorite method includes a lot of journaling with and old fashioned notebook and pen or pencil.
Step 1: Admitting The Past Mistakes You Need To Forgive
This is the hardest step in the process but I promise you can do it. We have all made mistakes so we all have a need to forgive ourselves.
If you’re struggling with where to start, then start small. Remember that piece of candy you stole when you were a kid? Remember that lie you told to your teacher? Remember the time you stayed our past curfew and snuck in late?
For the purposes of this blog I will be talking about mistakes that may seem trivial but the same advice applies to that “big whopper” too.
Some of you may be thinking “The mistakes I’ve made are huge and easier for the world to see! I feel overwhelmed!” They may have been public events or things that impacted other people that you care about.
If you are feeling this way, make a list of the top 3-5 things to keep yourself accountable. When you are comfortable share them with a trusted relative, friend or pastor and ask them to hold you accountable.
They can help remind you not to make the same mistake twice, or for those of us who are stubborn, strong-willed born leaders, six to eight times over.
Grab your journal or piece of paper or spread sheet and have a specific page dedicated to each mistake.
While our list of mistakes could be absolutely is endless, the point of this exercise is not to make you feel worse but to feel better and move forward.
So, narrow the list down to your top three and write each mistake at the top of its own page.
Example:
Page 1
I stole a piece of candy.
Page 2
I lied to Mrs. Smith.
Step 2: Understand Where You Were Coming From To Better Forgive Yourself
Understanding someone’s point of view is huge in understanding their actions. We know that when a toddler takes a toy from another toddler they are not trying to harm the other kid, they just want the toy and don’t know any better.
Often I am quick to try and understand why another person may behave a certain way but I am slow to do so for myself, especially my past self.
Go back to the first mistake you wrote down and list all of the circumstances around the event that you can remember.
How old were you? Had any major life changes recently happened? Were you in a new environment or inexperienced? What caused you to feel the way you felt that day or week?
Whether I like it or not sometimes my circumstances dictate my actions to a point. When I’m tired or not feeling well I am easily annoyed and snap at the people closest to me.
Identifying how I got to a place I never wanted to be helps me understand things better and also helps prevent me from making the same mistake again. It also leads me to my third point.
Example:
Page 1
I stole a piece of candy.
I was 10 years old.
I was jealous.
I was being teased for not having any.
Page 2
I lied to Mrs. Smith.
I was 8 years old.
I didn’t want to disappoint her.
I was afraid my parents would find out I didn’t do my homework.
Step 3: Having Compassion And Forgiving Yourself
Compassion is defined as having a deep awareness of suffering accompanied by the wish to relieve it.
This is the most important part of the process. You have already done the hard work of admitting your faults so don’t stop now.
You have taken inventory of what lead to you behaving the way you did or saying the wrong things at the wrong time. You have a deeper awareness of your own suffering better than anyone else and you are reading this because you want to relieve that suffering.
Grab that notebook one more time and write a letter to yourself saying that you understand now, you have grown and gained new insight that you just didn’t have when you made the mistake.
With this knowledge you will do your best not to repeat this mistake again, you know first-hand the harm it causes.
Remind yourself that you are only human.
If you don’t want to write a letter, then take a drive alone around the block and talk to yourself. Schedule a morning meeting with yourself on your commute to work. Park at the local playground.
But seriously, don’t cry and drive, that never works out well in the movies.
You could make a phone call to someone you trust and let them in on what you are going through. Chances are they are going to be human and need advice in this area as well.
Talking to a trusted pet is helpful as well, as long as your pet isn’t a really smart parrot and if it is then try teaching it to say “It’s okay. I forgive you.”
Example:
Page 1
I made the mistake of stealing. I was 10. I was jealous. I was being teased. I forgive myself for doing the wrong thing. I thought that it would solve my jealousy problem but it only made it worse.
My actions were wrong and I don’t want to repeat them but I forgive myself for not knowing what I didn’t know. It isn’t fair for me to judge my past actions with today’s knowledge. I will go forward in life and allow this lesson to change me for the better.
What Does The Bible Say About This?
The Bible has a lot to say about forgiveness and I encourage you to do further research on this topic with the concordance at the back of your bible or use my favorite product, Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance Of The Bible.
For now, let’s focus on one section of verses. Remember, forgiveness may be difficult but it doesn’t have to be complicated.
Luke 17:3-4 “Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.” English Standard Version
“Repent” or “repented” is just another way to say that someone has shown sorrow for something they have done and have decided to do things in a better way, God’s way.
When your spouse honestly repents they are acknowledging they made a mistake and asking for compassion, they are promising to try a different method of communication the next time an argument presents itself and “you must forgive him”.
When you admit your mistakes to yourself you are essentially repenting between yourself and God that what served you at the time no longer has the consequences you want in the future and it would be wise to forgive yourself because He has.
1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” English Standard Version
Final Thoughts
Everyone has made mistakes; you are not alone in that at all.
It will always be helpful to have insight into why we chose to make that mistake so we can prevent them in the future. Remember to have compassion for yourself.
God will always forgive true repentance.
This article is not a replacement for sessions with a trained professional. Anyone can use it on their own but the help of a professional therapist can be invaluable. I highly recommend therapy to anyone with relatives.